mulder once said
"a man with a peg leg simply
has to survive to have done well
in life"
I have no peg leg, neither am
I burdened with blindness, deafness,
ailments of the kidney, blood nor
any significant physical defeciency.
In fact, Im barely myopic, 6 ft
and have fair metabolism such that
for most of my still short 26 years,
I gain little weight despite an undisciplined
diet.
I have little to blame God or fate for dealing
my hand in life. Should we measure people
by their opportunities and abilities - surely
i ought to be doing much better than I have.
Why then do I feel that I am almost
always on the edge of ... something ..
an anxiety attack? a nervous breakdown?
I am troubled by ends and threads I have not
tied up in life. I worry now about the job I will
go for in 13 hours time. Worry is common.
Yet i dislike the emotion that creeps up on me
when i think on it. Is it really because I feel it is
a poor fit? Is it merely because I am unused to
getting scolded? The fear is real but what is the
true cause? Indeed something apart from work is
eating me up from the inside. I have been
irresponsible and not addressed the heart of one
who I have been close to and professed responsibility
for - albeit not explicitly.
I have left a conversation unfinished.
I ponder on how I should leave this job but
I do not want the smear of short-term employment
on my cv. I do want to do it for myself as well -
the not leaving. I have not led a disciplined life.
I have not developed that - this thing called disciplined.
Yet anyone who looks on at my life would likely not
think it too poorly lived. Fairly active, fairly good-ly
lived.
What do I want?
To served God and live as a saint?
To help the poor?
To vegetate - live off dole - alas there is none here
and watch anime all my life?
KFC brings me less pleasure than it used to.
Challenge indeed brings variety to life - I agree
objectively it is better than boredom and routine.
Do i feel alone? I have recently been seeking the company
of people where once I did not feel the need to?
Is it because I truly cannot live anymore without Christ -
and now I am apart I seek a substitute?
Who am I?
Reality - I am now an ex-fresh graduate who as been
recently employed in a coffee trading firm
and - am trying out work for the first time;
am trying out an industry for the first time;
am trying to find my way and define my life;
so perhaps I should be less hard on myself.
I may leave if I wish - but what do I wish?
Would staying on be a waste of my time -
the answer is surely a No - I would learn
many things - maybe about myself most of all -
I would learn discipline by doing something
I - for the first time in life perhaps -
do not take well to nor have an advantage in.
In fact, I am disadvantaged.
The irony leaps up in front of me like a
neon Las vegas billboard - how did I
come to be in a job that survives on a financial
risk transferal system where I set out to
avoid sales and finance?
Should I seek out the areas I thought I would
be interested in? culture/history - NHB
communications/creativity - Advertising/comms
safe pay - civil service?
But 3 months have passed in fairly quick time.
I have to stay on - but I do not feel I am thriving
or doing well. Please God I am unfaithful
and selfish but take these worries away from me.
I don't want to fear going to work.
I want to enjoy my work and do well.
Do i also desire a companion?
Maybe Haoran's observation/hypothesis is correct.
Maybe I push people away the moment the
start to reciprocate too much. Do i then feel
that I do not deserve love?
What is it I desire - somoene to care for me?
someone to love me?
I have not put that as a priority
I am looking forward to thursday and sunday
as I will do something diffreent and be surrounded
by the familiar.
I will be comfortable and be in control.
I desire my job because I can boast abt
it to others and feel respectable.
Perhaps that is a wrong motivation
I d
"a man with a peg leg simply
has to survive to have done well
in life"
I have no peg leg, neither am
I burdened with blindness, deafness,
ailments of the kidney, blood nor
any significant physical defeciency.
In fact, Im barely myopic, 6 ft
and have fair metabolism such that
for most of my still short 26 years,
I gain little weight despite an undisciplined
diet.
I have little to blame God or fate for dealing
my hand in life. Should we measure people
by their opportunities and abilities - surely
i ought to be doing much better than I have.
Why then do I feel that I am almost
always on the edge of ... something ..
an anxiety attack? a nervous breakdown?
I am troubled by ends and threads I have not
tied up in life. I worry now about the job I will
go for in 13 hours time. Worry is common.
Yet i dislike the emotion that creeps up on me
when i think on it. Is it really because I feel it is
a poor fit? Is it merely because I am unused to
getting scolded? The fear is real but what is the
true cause? Indeed something apart from work is
eating me up from the inside. I have been
irresponsible and not addressed the heart of one
who I have been close to and professed responsibility
for - albeit not explicitly.
I have left a conversation unfinished.
I ponder on how I should leave this job but
I do not want the smear of short-term employment
on my cv. I do want to do it for myself as well -
the not leaving. I have not led a disciplined life.
I have not developed that - this thing called disciplined.
Yet anyone who looks on at my life would likely not
think it too poorly lived. Fairly active, fairly good-ly
lived.
What do I want?
To served God and live as a saint?
To help the poor?
To vegetate - live off dole - alas there is none here
and watch anime all my life?
KFC brings me less pleasure than it used to.
Challenge indeed brings variety to life - I agree
objectively it is better than boredom and routine.
Do i feel alone? I have recently been seeking the company
of people where once I did not feel the need to?
Is it because I truly cannot live anymore without Christ -
and now I am apart I seek a substitute?
Who am I?
Reality - I am now an ex-fresh graduate who as been
recently employed in a coffee trading firm
and - am trying out work for the first time;
am trying out an industry for the first time;
am trying to find my way and define my life;
so perhaps I should be less hard on myself.
I may leave if I wish - but what do I wish?
Would staying on be a waste of my time -
the answer is surely a No - I would learn
many things - maybe about myself most of all -
I would learn discipline by doing something
I - for the first time in life perhaps -
do not take well to nor have an advantage in.
In fact, I am disadvantaged.
The irony leaps up in front of me like a
neon Las vegas billboard - how did I
come to be in a job that survives on a financial
risk transferal system where I set out to
avoid sales and finance?
Should I seek out the areas I thought I would
be interested in? culture/history - NHB
communications/creativity - Advertising/comms
safe pay - civil service?
But 3 months have passed in fairly quick time.
I have to stay on - but I do not feel I am thriving
or doing well. Please God I am unfaithful
and selfish but take these worries away from me.
I don't want to fear going to work.
I want to enjoy my work and do well.
Do i also desire a companion?
Maybe Haoran's observation/hypothesis is correct.
Maybe I push people away the moment the
start to reciprocate too much. Do i then feel
that I do not deserve love?
What is it I desire - somoene to care for me?
someone to love me?
I have not put that as a priority
I am looking forward to thursday and sunday
as I will do something diffreent and be surrounded
by the familiar.
I will be comfortable and be in control.
I desire my job because I can boast abt
it to others and feel respectable.
Perhaps that is a wrong motivation
I d
posted by Robot | 4:17 AM
|
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